"Dealing with men is really tough. Why do we women want to do it?" Christina laughs. "Oh, I know all the reasons, but it really is hard. Last week, I was caught in this dilemma. We had our kitchen repainted, so all the dishes and pots and pans had to come out. Once the walls were dry, I wanted to put everything back. He was reading the paper. "I had several choices: 1 I could do it myself and be resentful
2 I could wait for him but be resentful having to work on his time schedule ¨C which might not be for hours or even days
3 I could do half and feel petty by leaving the other half for him. "What made it even worse was I knew he wasn't thinking about any of this at all. "So, there I was, wasting time thinking about what makes the most sense to him and me, while he blithely read the paper. He probably knew when he would put the stuff back, but he sure wasn't thinking about how I feel about having the kitchen stuff spread out throughout the living room. And, it never occurred to him to tell me when he would get to it. I'm sure the whole issue took a nano-second of his time, if that. Yet, here I'm wondering for far too long about which bad choice I should make." Do you recognize Christina's situation? Do you wonder what the best thing to do (in any situation) is so the man in your life will be happy, he will be comfortable, he won't be upset? Here's the difference. A man does not feel selfish if he doesn't think about what you are thinking about -- because it doesn't occur to him to think about things in this way! But, as women, we do think about what the man is thinking, how he will feel ¨C even about tiny, insignificant matters. And, if we don't, we may feel selfish for not thinking about his reaction or his needs. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Much of what bothers us about men, we do to ourselves. Men and women do think differently. Christina asked when he would want to put the white high heels shoes pots and pans away. And, he answered, "later." In fact, Christina could have said, I would like us to put the things away after lunch today (or whenever). Does that work for you?" What's the difference? She asked rather than stating what she wanted. Men are more likely to answer a question.
Here's another minor but annoying example of how hard it is dealing with men ¨C since they are so different from us women. Babs tells this one.
"Bradley and I had talked about going to look for a new refrigerator today. I was ready to go, but when I mentioned it to him, he said, ¡®I want to read this newspaper article before we go.' "I was ready to leave, and he wanted to read the paper. I could have seen that as his being controlling; we'll do it on my time schedule, and I won't even bother to tell you when that will be. If the situation had been reversed, I would have given him a choice by asking him, ¡®Would you mind if I read this article before we go?'" red shoes for women Women tend to ask questions. Men tend to make a statement and assume of the woman has a problem with that, she'll speak up.
It's not a matter of which is correct -- except we women feel the man is being insensitive, selfish, self-absorbed if he doesn't ask for your input first. Men just talk the way men talk; thus, they don't even think about this. So, for them, much of what bothers us is a non-issue for them.
So, where does this leave you? You need to make a decision; you can feel hurt that he does not change his style or at least notice that his style leaves you feeling controlled or hurt. Or, you can ask a question of him, or just state your preference, without feeling guilty or selfish. Another woman, Noreen, felt increasingly resentful that her husband was not abiding by their agreement red bottom shoes to take turns loading the dishwasher. She hated reminding him (her definition of what she was doing), and he hated her nagging (his definition of what she was doing). So, she proposed they take turns doing it, and he agreed. She then had to remind herself the agreement was to alternate, so she'd just let the dishes pile up until he took his turn. "In the past, I would have been constantly reminding him it's his turn. But, once we had the agreement (and he did agree to it), I let him take as long as he wanted. It was not my preference, but doing them all myself would have made me resentful, and reminding him would have annoyed him ¨C and me. So, I got used to just waiting." Whatever decision you come up with, if it works, if it saves you from feeling resentful, wasting time thinking about something that in the larger scale of your relationship is really miniscule, chanel shoes than it works. There really is no perfect solution. But there is one really important end result ¨C don't feel guilty, don't obsess, don't give up what you want and then feel resentful. Dealing with men can be tough, but if you want one in your life, work to make it easier for you. Dr. Karen Gail Lewis has been a relationship therapist for 42 years, practicing in Cincinnati and Washington, DC area. To learn more about relationships from her, including articles and free videos, go to http://www.SecretsToASolidRelationship.com cheap shoes online In addition, I invite you to get a free copy of Your Needs-From-Man List at www.WomenAndThePeopleTheyLove.com. And, for a special treat to yourself and an opportunity to learn more about the role of a wife of an HSH, go to www.UniqueRetreatsForWomen.com and check out the weekend event for Women Married (or Previously Married) to Powerful Men.